Interesting

I want to write a summary of the last few weeks. How many? I don't know. I guess to update people, so since my last update? But that doesn't exist. Maybe since something big happened. My move? Yeah maybe. That's 6.5 weeks worth of material.

Ok I can't write 6.5 weeks worth of update. Well I can, but I don't want to. I think it'll take too long. How long is too long? Maybe an hour. I guess if I could put out something I liked that covered the last 6.5 weeks in an hour, I'd be pleased with that use of an hour. But I don't think that will happen. 

Well maybe I can prioritize and just write the interesting stuff. Is there a non-French-origin word meaning "interesting" in English? Google "interesting synonyms". Looks like...no. How about "important"? Google "define important" because "interesting synonyms" didn't give me the cool etymological tree that I like. Google "define interesting" to check if it was just a special case. It was--"interesting" has an interesting etymology. Back to "important". Ah--"main". This is a good Anglish word. Google "Anglish" to find a link to add to this post. Quickly decide that Wikipedia is better than--what was it?--anglish.wikia.com. Back to "main". Back to "important". Next three words--"chief", "principal", "key"--are all borrowed--"chief" with mostly French influence, "principal" almost entirely Latin, and "key" from Spanish(!). Note the use of parentheses enclosing an exclamation point which I just typed. Enjoy the precision of showing that I am not surprised by all three of these words being borrowed, but by the word "key" coming from Spanish. Go back to the entry for "key" and realize that only the geographical term (e.g. "Florida Keys") comes from Spanish--the rest is very English. 

Maybe I can prioritize and just write the main stuff. The key stuff. I think main works better here. 

Maybe I can prioritize and just write the main stuff. Apparently not. That's ok. I've spent the last--check Blogger for a revision history--fail to find revision history--15? minutes writing this stuff. Now I'll re-read it.

...

Edit a couple spots.

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This is pretty interesting to me, even if it's not the main thing.

John 6

I read John 6 yesterday and today. It took me an hour or so, longer than my usual 1/2 hour. The first part tells the story of a famous miracle--Jesus takes 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, prays, and from that lunch gives out enough for thousands of people to eat with leftovers besides. Then there is a transition, in which Jesus walks on a sea through a storm. The second part records Jesus talking about the meaning of the food miracle. And this part took me a long time to even think about.

I wish I could post this in two columns--one with the text, and one with the logic. (I do think Jesus is engaging with propositions. Statements such as "This is the work of God—that you believe in the One He has sent" and "The Spirit is the One who gives life; the flesh doesn’t help at all" typify Jesus' very direct style.) But this blog is no longer about its readers; I use it to think about things. So I'll just write some of the logic.

Work for eternal life food. How? By believing One who God sent from heaven. This One is the bread of God--Jesus. Therefore, believe Jesus to get Jesus and eternal life.

Everyone the Father gives Jesus will come, and the one who comes will not be cast out. Why? Because the Father wills it, and Jesus does the Father's will. More specifically, the Father wills that everyone who sees and believes in Jesus would then go on to have eternal life, raised up at the last day. Thus, Jesus will not lose any of these believers. This gives the divine mandate behind Jesus' previous statement ("believe Jesus to get Jesus and eternal life").

The previous statement ("everyone the Father gives Jesus will come...") is restrictive. That is, everyone the Father gives _and no more_ will come to Jesus. No one can come unless the Father draws him. The Father (though unseen by all but the One from God) teaches people such that they then go to Jesus.

The previous implication becomes explicit--"Anyone who believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life." Like manna, Jesus came from heaven; unlike manna, Jesus is living. Eat this bread to live forever. Therefore, eating Jesus and believing Jesus are both necessary to live forever. [These may be the same.]

Eating and drinking Jesus is the only way to have eternal life. Why? Because Jesus' flesh and blood are real food and drink. The one who eats Jesus' flesh and drinks Jesus' blood lives in Jesus, and Jesus lives in him. Because of Jesus, this person will live. In the same way, because of the Father, Jesus lives.

Just as the living Father sent Jesus and Jesus lives because of the Father, so the one who feeds on Jesus will live because of Jesus. Part of this is unclear to me, but I think this: Jesus himself is living bread sent from the Father. The life in Him is from the Father. Thus, the life that a human gains from feeding on Jesus is the same kind of life Jesus has--not temporarily putting off death, but living as the Father lives, with life in himself. This describes the quality of the life that Jesus is talking about.

The Spirit is the One who gives life. Therefore this Spirit is a singular entity. Also therefore the Spirit gives life from the Father to Jesus. The flesh doesn't help at all. The words Jesus spoke are spirit and are life. The Spirit gives life to those who believe Jesus' words, eat his flesh, and drink his blood. The Father grants that these come to Jesus.

Therefore:

Believe this: The Father grants that people come to Jesus and wills that they have life. This life is given by the Spirit. This life is the same life that the Father has, life in Himself, which is the same that Jesus has, because Jesus was sent from the Father in heaven. It is not the life that the flesh has, i.e. eating bread and postponing death. This life is eternal. Jesus lives in those who eat, and they live in him.

Eating corresponds to having life--that is, if one eats, one has life; if one does not eat, one does not have life. Believing also corresponds to having life. Thus, eating and believing are inseparable.

But I don't think what it is to eat is clear yet...

Self-Reflection

Knowing who I am has a profound effect on my happiness and actions, yet self-reflection finds little place in my de facto schedule. Something I once enjoyed tremendously (though most of this reflection found its outlet in writing assignments) my mind has assigned a luxury status. Changing my mind on this has proven difficult.

I wonder if my upbringing contributed to my unspoken belief that caring about myself is selfish. Both of my parents have fought bravely to believe that they themselves are worth something, and yet my untrained eyes often interpreted their service of others as a lack of consideration of themselves. That is, they serve others constantly, and I thought that they did that because they didn't consider themselves and who they were.

But recently they've been as "on fire" as 50-somethings can be--that is to say, age has nothing to do with it--which has been something of a revelation. Perhaps it's just due to my evacuation and subsequent liberalized personal borders (distance makes the heart more forthcoming). I suspect, however, that they have seized the opportunity to introspect, and that increased self-understanding has fueled their recent growth. Going to a counselor wasn't intended to inspire personal growth, but surprises happen when we do surprising things.

--more to say here, perhaps add later--

It was good to talk to them last night. My parents are people who believe in me.

Fall

Fall has a feeling of darkness. Every time I've entered fall, it is an entrance into paying off my debts by works. The need to perform well in school drove anxiety into my heart like screws, even from an early age. In college, even after I received the grace of God, the terror stayed with me. And after college, I found other things to enable my debt-paying anxiety.

No more.

A steady diet of righteousness paid and credited to me by faith in Jesus is what I need. My plan is to forgive others as an overflow of his forgiveness of me. I will credit to others' accounts his great riches. But they must be willing.

Lord, set my hope in your inheritance. Keep me living by grace. Give me the tools and skills I need to do your work. Nourish me through your head, Christ.

And change all my prayers to "us" prayers.

Set our hope in your inheritance. Keep us living by grace. Give us the tools and skills we need to do your work. Nourish us through your head, Christ.

LETS GO

Honestly one of the biggest holes in my entire life has been the rarity of having something to look forward to. I remember that when I was a kid, my excitement was often dampened by all the things I had to do before I could do something fun, and this mentality warped my mind to the point where in college I didn't consider switching out of a major I didn't like.

Fast forward to now. I think I've looked forward to the next day consistently maybe once in my life. That was when I first received the Lord, after my sophomore year in college. I was so stoked about life. My burdens suddenly gone, it was easy to believe in a bright future. Every day was a joy, and though work was hard, I was so happy just being happy.

There have been days since then that I've gone to sleep excited for the next, but they have been few and far between, mostly because I can't believe that pure good will come. For every good thing, I always see impurity mixed in--should I really be in this relationship, should I really spend this money, should I really spend this time, etc. So many doubts.

It's so hard for me to believe. And in spite of that, Jesus keeps breaking through..

After watching Holy Ghost, I knew I couldn't keep living the same way. I've been learning all these things that have been unlocking me from prisons of creaturely construction, and watching Todd and crew once again heal the lame and sick, preach the gospel, and enter into enemy strongholds in the name of Jesus simply confirmed all that I'd been learning. I turned to the man next to me and struck up a conversation.

I get stuck though. I fear that he's (the spirit) going to leave me, like not keep filling me in this way. I'm so, so scared he's going to leave me behind because I reject him.

But this is so wrong.

I won't believe that.

I believe he wants to use me.

I believe he'll help me.

In joy I'll look forward to each amazing thing he's going to do in me and around me and all around the world.

I believe he'll remind me of all I need to know.

I will think through why I feel the way I do when I don't know if I'm doing right. For example, when I feel uncomfortable approaching people to talk to them, I will think through why. Maybe it's because I don't believe interrupting is good. Now I can investigate that, instead of just having internal debates about whether I'm doing the right thing or not.

More later...

They Don't Know What They're Doing (Because Who Could Have Predicted This?)

Drive in the nails, brother! Fix them well; make sure those criminals can't come down! They hurt us, they hurt us, and they will pay for their insolence. Hoist them up, that's it! for all to see--they embarrassed us, and we'll humiliate them!

Let them drive them in, brother. Let them fix them well; they fear that we might come down. We hurt them--their pride most of all--and this reaction isn't something we should be surprised by. Let them fly us like a banner, for all to see. We gave them good, and they repay us with evil.

Yet the truth will come to light, brother,  and you will see what you have done. When they rise after you crucify them, believe in what raises them. When they continually take the bloody blows from you without a word in defense, and when they keep loving you without compromise, and when they overcome evil with good, believe. Exhaust yourself, because your prideful vitriol will never win out against humble surrender to the Master. And it is he you fight, he you crucify, and he you will bow before. When that time comes, and the power of sin is broken, sink your head and bury it into his chest. He forgives. Die and live again.

Older Brother

You talk about how they hurt you. Are you kidding? This isn't going to get any better until you see how you hurt them, and all of us. What a fool you have been playing! Except I'm not sure it's an act. Can't you see that all you had to do was give up? Admit you were wrong? Put aside the pretense of having good reasons for making your pitifully foolish decisions? Your stubborn pride has done this to you, nothing less, and to own up to anything less will lead us all down the same road again. You can't make yourself humble! It's pride that says you can. Only when you accept that literally nothing good in this life is something you've deserved can you understand. And there is much to understand. Understand that, on their own, your righteous-sounding and correctly stated words are the blabberings of a self-righteous Pharisee. Understand that if this story is about you, then you will never be able to accept that you have failed, and you will continually make excuses or run from the truth. Understand that you don't need them to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness from you doesn't require them to ask. That's the point--"they don't know what they're doing." But I guess that's something I have to learn, too.